#80 Heart Speak

“Why are you like this?” they had asked,
“You’ll ruin everything”; I sure did.

But if it isn’t dark,
How will the stars shine?

Although I keep wishing I’d change
Still cannot cross the river for my sake.

All things are gone,
I burn bridges to stay.

Waiting for the other person,
To let go first and be free.

Even then I suffer and scream
As I wish to die laying on the table.
*************

If anyone does read these ramblings of a mad young man of questionable age and wisdom, I would stop writing anything for some time. I might write, but I will not post. Because lately whatever I have been posting, I think are very poor (except maybe one or two that I liked) and repetitive. Even though I write for myself and for the sake of expressing myself, I still think I need a break. It is time to do some soul searching first.

Why do I write about just one theme? Can I move outside of that? When will my wounds heal?

A lot of difficult questions for a person who has trouble with understanding himself. I could very easily have labelled myself an introvert, but I am not that easy to see through. Maybe I can find some answers if you help me out, one way or another. One day some beautiful photo on Instagram, or a drawing that’s just for me, or someone with the courage to hold my hands will bring me answers. Till then….

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#70 Scraped Out

Like a star in the night
I struggle for breath,
Twinkling, I glow when I remember
How good were the old days.

There are many there, but I am all alone
I just have all day to hide
And I flow through the night
Trying to make meaning of my existence.

Is it so much that I want happiness?
I want to look at you, and smile.
I hope the clouds will pass, and you will know
I am there for you when you are loneliest.

In the hovering stardust, in the fireflies,
If only you believe, Dreams can come true.
*************

#68 A Call that Happened 

There she was,
Her profile picture as glamorous as ever.
She looked,
Her gaze intense, and she, enigmatic.
What do I do,
I could just stare and lie to myself.

The phone was there,
I called and disconnected, scared.
What will she think?
Well, “you are just a desperate creep.”
I picked up the phone again,
This time I let it ring and “hello” she said.

First we laughed,
I heard it after so long, it hurt.
Then we talked,
So many things had happened.
Later I understood,
The other person was so alike.

I called her on a Saturday,
The distance wasn’t far, but we were.
She spoke the way she did,
But clearly her interest had waned.
I tried to carry on,
There was no spark which was apparent.
Silences came then,
Both of us decided it had to end.

Beep,
It ended.
*************

#65 The Boy Walking in Time

Once upon a time, there was a boy
He walked on and on,
To reach a destination he never had.

Where was he going? He didn’t know.
What was the reason? Nothing kept him home.
How long would he walk? Who knows, it’s life.

Through the ups and downs, mist and rain,
The boy still walked on,
To a land unknown.

Five years ago, the boy met a woman
She hid behind a lot of mysteries, she was the unknown,
She was the Princess of the Clouds!

She asked where he was headed,
The boy couldn’t respond, he said he only walked
She smiled and said, I’ll walk along.

The boy stopped on his tracks,
Lost his desire to walk anymore,
He knew now he was home.

Now, five years later,
He comes back home one more time from another walk,
Will everything be the same?

It’s late night, travellers find rest in the sarai
The boy must walk on,
He has a place to reach tonight.

This time he knows his destination,
He knows the way and the reason,
Tonight the boy walks on, he must reach home.

Truly said, home is where heart is,
The boy realised, “my heart is in the East, buried far beneath,
Where Princess of the Clouds lives!”
*************

#64 Tryst with Art, Ajanta & Ellora

Time stopped and I stood there
Gazing at marvels of human touch,
It made me speechless and numb
Thinking how could anyone make something so beautiful?

Cold and damp, dark and slippery
Rocks and rocks, caves in them
No life in sight, a steep descent,
Still monks and artists brought these alive.

For whom did they toil so much?
No money, no fame, no glory, no name!
Still they left their marks with lots of pain
In the name of devotion, something I cannot understand.

I bow my head as I still stand
I cannot think of anything else
Wish I was an artist who understood,
Or at least one who imagined as bright as you did!
**************

#61 friendship of the lonely man

In the nights of solitude I gaze at the sky
I have my own made up conversations with the Moon.
And the stars chime and giggle at their amazement,
Of looking at the one without any employment.

The Moon asks me, how earth is, it is so far!
I tell all about my slavery, what life has been.
Moon chuckles, for the Moon has endured a loneliness without time.

Sometimes the clouds come in between with their serious voice,
Covering the Moon they stop our words,
They interrupt with their calls for sleep.

Clouds say, human you have been disrupting the calm!
What work you might have talking to the Moon?
It is not your work to let the Moon know about how earth is,
For the Moon does see when everyone else is asleep.

I, puzzled, ask back, why would the Moon only want to see when others sleep?
Clouds reply, the Moon wants to keep all warm,
Those who have no joy in their lives.

I thank the Moon silently before I go to bed,
Watch over me as I dream about a better day, tomorrow,
When again the Moon would be there to talk to me.
*************

#53 Childish lines for she is leaving 

When I sit alone,
The lights dim out
Memories float by
The mist still makes me cry.

It has been so long
Your flight left
A new world called
I kept waiting.

Have you ever thought
I am still,
There, somewhere,
In the pain of separation.

Last wish to see
Baby, forever goodbye
You chose the right thing
At the cost of one last kiss.

*************