#114 A poem of 12 months

Wish you all a very happy New Year.

I sincerely hope that this new year, unlike the one before it, brings you peace and happiness.

Here’s a small photo card from one of the recent photos I clicked using my new Fujifilm camera.

Absolute Stillness of Sal River (Kopai) Fujifilm X-T200 Viltrox 23mm f1.4 1/10000 ISO200

I have fallen in love with the Fujifilm system and the film simulations. I am constantly finding myself going to either Classic Chrome or the film recipe of “Eterna”. [Update: Fujicolor Superia 800 is now officially my favourite film recipe for my camera. Here’s the link to the amazing Fujixweekly.com creation. Just go check out the photos and the beautiful blue sky in them, trust me you’ll love the colour.] I’ll try and take lots of photos this year and I would definitely like to experiment more with Black & White and “Acros” film simulation. Hopefully I’ll be able to go out and find inspiration from things around me.

For this new year, I would like to share a poem with you which I had written thinking about how feelings themselves change throughout the year and how the passing months affect them.

This poem was written with a lot of love, inspiration and help from someone I consider very close to me, a friend from JUDE. I am sharing this with you in the way it was conceived without any changes or edits. This is one of the longest poems I have composed and I have shared here on my blog. Hope you’ll like this as much as I did.

A Poem of XII Months

Beginning is always the most difficult part,
Frozen remains and ghosts of last year’s recent past
Still resurface suddenly, then they vanish,
Hopeless for the new year’s journey is to begin.

The quiet of a full snow mars life,
Sweet apples taste stale,
Colours fade to a dull monochromatic,
Pen or life, refuse to move to a new calendar.

So many changes but nothing really changes,
Pretending to be the same again
Is how another Valentine’s came and went,
New hopes quickly dashed once more.

I wore my red and pink hues everywhere
While holding on to my greys and blacks,
Strolls in long coat with a feeling
The chill of almost living an identical life afresh.

Just a peek, they jump in suddenly,
The sun’s rays tiptoe,
Dew stuck longing in the grass
Time to fade, but the day’s anew.

Vines trudged up, holding on to the last year’s vision
Celebrations befall their golden charm,
Accompanying cackles heard from Gerbera,
The passion of youth, my spring was here.

Too tempting these days of restlessness,
Being lost on the roads, this life’s calling,
Just to be remembered by photographs,
Days of roses and wine.

Summer’s right around the corner,
With her bright blue eyes, piercing souls,
Scanning from coast to coast,
Looking to find her one true love.

A cycle bell, someone leaving home,
The newspaper is not coming today,
After a tiring night-long attention
Dogs curl and sleep, but the day’s starting.

The guarding trees stand slightly bent
Bowing for a new sun, the wind stroking their heads,
Merry chirps and colourful flights
Excitement that even a flight cannot paint.

When the sky turned pink,
I sat there dreaming,
Wind whispered to me playfully
Are we made for each other?

The grass leaned on me, my hair ruffled,
Losing myself to the calming touches
I lay down my heart there, in the grasp of earth,
Where enlightenment dawns to a realisation.

The rain I had waited for, finally arrived,
Showers continued, lightning raged,
Scary thunders blasted my fears
As I stood motionless under the rain.

I was soaked, the trees swayed in laughter
A helpless soul trying to face Nature
Little they knew, I did not,
I was paying my debt back, I wanted closure.

In the visibile tail of a shooting star
Or in stars that remain far away looking down,
Moving gently from the complete dark, I desired,
Wishes even I knew weren’t possible.

White is the colour of surrender,
To a hope of renewal within the soul
Changes leading to an association of satisfaction,
Where I was alone, I now had friends.

A month given away to old pages
Letters that never found their way to the hearts
Happy moments that never happened,
Wrong decisions with no regrets.

Remnants from a life of contrasts
These expressions were persistently sordid,
Where Shiulis were scattered in the morning
Tiny hands appeared to gather benediction.

Sadness hides within our mellow Autumn
Cleaning the old photographs from an old April,
Stairs feel harder to climb this month,
The fireplace and squirrels find themselves busy.

Dreaming intrudes in an otherwise pedestrian reality
Where all the promises of friendship lay defeated,
In the stuffy weather flew in cardinal messages
From someone’s radio crooning sad old love songs.

We promised to see the first snow together;
From the frozen bridges
Last sunset looked too distant, solemnly
Bringing back unkind shadows of the year.

Even in the distance a soft music breezes
Catching a terrible beauty with surprise
Loneliness had to be sung to be felt,
For the few hours left to prepare for the winter ahead.

It was an end to a beautiful day,
With the clock stopping its hands at XII,
Will a new year start with new pleasures?
Or it’ll form another day like the ones lived till now.

With a few things carried over from last year
Often the weight is more, of invisible memories;
Instead of choosing to forget, remember,
Yesterday was equally brilliant for an incessant single day.

As planned, I will be taking a break from this blog for some time. I hope I don’t end up abandoning this blog completely though. I enjoy writing these occasional ramblings of a mad man and sharing some of them through this blog. I do not know if you enjoy reading them or you just laugh at the miserable old man who is losing his sanity and eyesight equally fast.

Let me share my new year’s resolutions with you:

  • This year I’ll try (and definitely fail) to focus on writing my thesis and getting some work done.
  • I plan to go on a lot of solo bike rides and click lots and lots of photos on my Fujifilm.
  • I promise to finish all the K-dramas I have been meaning to watch on Netflix since forever.
  • I won’t disappoint my burgers and iced tea anymore. I’ll wholeheartedly dedicate myself to them. I’ll also go out and try a few drinks I have been meaning to check out since last year.
  • I plan to (hopefully) not disappoint my close friends and spend good times with them. They have given me a lot of strength throughout 2020, and I owe them big time for everything that they have selflessly done for me. NO FRIENDS!!!

Let’s hope 2021 becomes a wonderful year for all of us. I pray that you find magic everywhere and most importantly in yourself.

#113 Tristitia

She sat there, a lonely girl,
Looking for her mother’s lap
To lie down again,
Her childhood framed, hanging on
The wall, locking her in her wish to be left alone.

The moon hung low,
Not oblivious to her loneliness,
She too forfeited her smile
To feel solidarity, and the numbing pain.
The friendly giants too, stood resolutely desolate.

Those empty black eyes transfixed
Outside the windows random lights scattered
Loud thunders bespoke of grim days,
But, nothing ever stayed. Her wait prolonged,
With every new song she learnt.

The street light shone woefully
Lighting up a lonely stretch,
Her home locked, the bell not rung in days,
Creepers come to cover her windows
Just as her heart had sadness weaving a blanket.

#108 গুরু, গম্ভীর, ঘটনা!

এই লক্ষীছাড়া কাব্য ফেলেছি ছেড়ে,
চৌকাঠ করেছি পার, ঘরের দরজা বন্ধ করেছি,
পথটাকে সঙ্গী করে, হয়ে যাযাবর,
প্রেমের ছন্দে লীন, ভাবে মত্ত-বিভোর,
হাসি দুর্বোধ কিন্তু এতেই আছে শান্তি আমার।

বয়স-কালে আরামকেদারায় বসে দেখেছি
ব্যাটা হতভাগা চাঁদটাও পূর্ণিমার রাতে একলা ঘোরে!
সুখ-দুঃখের গল্প ভাগ করে নেওয়ার মাঝে
ওই চাতালটাতে দুজনে বসে, একটু দীর্ঘশ্বাস,
আর মন খারাপের মাঝখানে সিগারেট-টাতে টান।

আকাশে বারবার তার পথ আটকে দাঁড়ায়
ওই ভট্টচাযদের বাড়ির নারকেল গাছ,
দুষ্টু বাতাসটা টিটকিরি মেরে ছুট্টে পালায়
ইউক্যালিপ্টাস গাছের পাতাগুলো সব দেখে হেসেই ফেলে,
প্রহর ঘুরলে চাঁদ বলে এবার তারও ঘুমোতে যাবার পালা।

আমার পথটাও বিশ্রাম চায় বাড়ির দোরগোড়ায় এসে
এত ঘুরিয়ে সেও আজ ক্লান্ত, পিঠ থেকে নামাতে চায় এবার,
কীর্তনের সুর ভেসে আসে দূর থেকে, পাখিদের কল্লোলের সাথে ডানায় চেপে,
মায়ার খেলার মাঝে ছায়ার লুকোচুরি,
মাথার পাকা সাদা চুলের গোছা নেড়ে আমিও বিজ্ঞ হবার ভান করি।

রাতটা শেষ হয়ে আসে, স্বপ্নের দেশ থেকে বাস্তবে এসে পড়তে হয় চিৎকারে,
ঘুম ভাঙলে মা বলে, “কিরে! অফিস যাবিনা আজ নাকি?”
আমি কাঁধে গামছা ফেলে বাথরুমের দিকে তাক করি,
রাতটা ছিল শান্তির, আমার নিজের মত করে কাটানো সময়,
শুধু এই দিনের বেলা যত রাজ্যের বিরক্তি এসে জীবনে হাজির হয়।

#107 Praying

A beautiful starry night,
Story of a single soul, bit too happy,
To be here, to be home.

Between the days’ chaos left behind,
In the nights’ murmurs coming from the grasses,
Sleeping birds find their interlude.

Under an open sky,
Expanse of the green surrounding,
Idle mind, clouds going far.

Even in the mild wind
Tender boughs play an invisible music,
And feeling is faith restored.

Stories from memory,
Colourful flags of a distant place,
From attachments, a cessation of suffering.

Sitting in an extreme calm
Watching remnants float away in the stream of time,
What could have been washed away easily by rain.

In the myriad tests of life
This fear of loneliness is but a little thing,
And the smiling moon, a constant companion.

Surrendering myself
Seeing futility in contemplating paths ahead,
Peace in no knowledge of future.

Journeys that have been,
Reflections on my window are firmly painted,
Appearing on my forehead as wrinkles.

In the beauty of all things incomprehensible,
I only see reflected my own insignificance.
O’ Lord Buddha, with your affection lead me to wisdom.

I shall sing in your prayer, “ༀ་ཨ་ར་པ་ཙ་ན་དྷཱི༔“.

#106 “Dream-ghost”

Windy it was, and the night continued
Carrying such a ghastly feeling to it,
Dream-catchers hanging off the leafless branches
Yet, around lurked terrifying dreams.

Shadows too did seem grossly unkind,
Leaping up from every corner to scare.
Just like the pitter-patter chicaning rain
The ever-smiling moon, nobbled, remained.

Even the bushes came to frighten
As did the unheard-of cries, dogs or monsters?
With every turn equally blind,
The path just going away awry.

She finds herself completely lost
Her fairytale friends don’t come to hold her hands,
Her elusive Prince disappointingly misses this chance too
To win his darling for ever. Maybe, his horse broke down?

Running up the stairs, forming in my head,
An equally strange razzmatazz story to console
The girl who woke up, wailing, finding herself on her bed,
Petrified and unstrung, in need of a hug.

I say “it’s fine” but she still weeps;
The smell still lingers, ground still wet since it rained.
As I tuck my daughter in, I wonder,
Is the real world any less cruel than her nightmarish bedtime?

#104 My Voices of Depression

There are moments when I break;
Moments when I am at the very edge
And there is no way back, especially when,
Nightmares find their way out of my head.

Those days in calendar are so empty,
Wish I didn’t have to leave my bed
And go about pretending to be alive,
I still have to breathe, and I cannot fail.

The body feels so numb of fear –
Left in a dark room all alone
Or lost in this crowd with no hands to hold,
I won’t ever find my way back home.

Stuck here motionless, living together,
Me and this terrifying past of mine,
I am so scared of not knowing
What makes me the saddest boy alive!

Along came the constant fear of letting down
Behind shut doors locked in my own world,
A pain all these books couldn’t drown,
Within my lonely life, I’ll still be more alone.

Feeling incomplete, I’ll just let everyone go,
The emptiness is better than hurting,
And even in my ideal loneliness
At least I’ll have memories to survive on.

This would not be the last week
When I have to force myself to sleep,
Overlooking a million tell-tale signs of not being,
Resigning before I even had the chance.

This depression shall pass too,
With nothing said at all, and nothing done,
There will be no change, and I will still feel sad,
But it will be one more chance of being apart.

Maybe the sun won’t shine again,
The night will be cold and long,
Even if it is scary alone, the path is there,
And I have to keep on walking aimless.

I’ll stop to rest the day I feel content,
When the road is no more, the stars come to die,
Nights do not feel anything at all,
Where all my pain is passed on and I depart.

Written during Covid-19 induced national lockdown, April 2020.

#95 On her art

Too much noise in my head,
Some shards are drawn from there
Blacks on a piece of paper,
Just some emotions running.

It’s not some old love,
In my bit of growing up
Neither a family story to share,
But my return to an old hobby.

There are many branches,
Shades and beautiful lights,
Makes me the woman,
Not afraid to express herself.

She goes and goes, running circles,
Not a second of damned calm
Like others around; but there’s wonder
In her brand new eyes.

Alone, happiness shall shine
Now that summer’s almost gone
How to be happy in myself,
I will learn again, within my drawn lines.

#82 Just a Sunny Day

I have become a ghost, just to see you,
I’ll visit the past, the days that have been spend,
From the end of Summer till the end of faint light.

Even without saying, hairs would turn grey,
Stuck in this apartment world.
Will anyone care?

I only know one thing,
The sky I look up to is still blue –
And the clouds far away.

So, you see, things are alright now.
Now at night I only sleep.
I wonder what I’ll do when I wake up!

I only know that I have lived,
I am a few years older than I was then,
I have lost a lot, but the beach is far away.

Why was I walking?
Even if I forget one day,
I’ll still be in the shadows.

The sky is beautiful, after a long day,
Now I can sit with my legs crossed,
The sun will also set soon.

Do you know,
I have lived a long time?
But I am just 25.

#79 Forgive yourself

A moment! A moment please!
Look around you, so many things
Don’t give up please, don’t crumble
I am there, I know how you feel.

Even if you are left broken
You still have your wings,
You will heal, you can fly again.
Don’t give up on yourself.

The cold room, the stranger blanket
Can’t hide the scars you carry
Come out please, don’t shut the door
You have to walk away from the sorrows.

All that pain needs separation
But you need not leave,
Just hold on a while longer
There will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Colour yourself in pride
One step is all it takes to heal
To accept what happened, is not your fault,
A smile, a cup of coffee in your favourite seat,
One familiar TV show and time for yourself.

#78 Holding On

Universe is spread to infinity
Travel beyond the stars
Be in the company of stardusts
Happiness will come where you are.

Time is limited
A flower dies in a day
Think about the time you are living
Count memories and take steps.

Pain will keep you company
Worry is a misuse of imagination
Remove them both in a single step
Lose yourself to your destiny.

There was a time when survival was the hardest,
Now being happy is, just to live.