There are moments when I break;
Moments when I am at the very edge
And there is no way back, especially when,
Nightmares find their way out of my head.
Those days in calendar are so empty,
Wish I didn’t have to leave my bed
And go about pretending to be alive,
I still have to breathe, and I cannot fail.
The body feels so numb of fear –
Left in a dark room all alone
Or lost in this crowd with no hands to hold,
I won’t ever find my way back home.
Stuck here motionless, living together,
Me and this terrifying past of mine,
I am so scared of not knowing
What makes me the saddest boy alive!
Along came the constant fear of letting down
Behind shut doors locked in my own world,
A pain all these books couldn’t drown,
Within my lonely life, I’ll still be more alone.
Feeling incomplete, I’ll just let everyone go,
The emptiness is better than hurting,
And even in my ideal loneliness
At least I’ll have memories to survive on.
This would not be the last week
When I have to force myself to sleep,
Overlooking a million tell-tale signs of not being,
Resigning before I even had the chance.
This depression shall pass too,
With nothing said at all, and nothing done,
There will be no change, and I will still feel sad,
But it will be one more chance of being apart.
Maybe the sun won’t shine again,
The night will be cold and long,
Even if it is scary alone, the path is there,
And I have to keep on walking aimless.
I’ll stop to rest the day I feel content,
When the road is no more, the stars come to die,
Nights do not feel anything at all,
Where all my pain is passed on and I depart.
Written during Covid-19 induced national lockdown, April 2020.