#82 Just a Sunny Day

I have become a ghost, just to see you,
I’ll visit the past, the days that have been spend,
From the end of Summer till the end of faint light.

Even without saying, hairs would turn grey,
Stuck in this apartment world.
Will anyone care?

I only know one thing,
The sky I look up to is blue –
And the clouds far away.

So, you see, things are alright now.
Now at night I only sleep.
I wonder what I’ll do when I wake up!

I only know that, I have lived,
I am a few years older than I was then,
I have lost a lot, but the beach is far away.

Why was I walking?
Even if I forget one day,
I’ll still be in the shadows.

The sky is beautiful, after a long day,
Now I can sit with my legs crossed,
The sun will also set soon.

Do you know,
I have lived a long time?
But I am just 25.
***************

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#81 মন খারাপের চিঠি

আজকে একটা বিশেষ দিন। বিশেষ কারণ এই দিনে পাঁচ বছর পূর্ণ হত। ভেবে রেখেছিলাম যে আজকের দিনটা ঘটা করে পালন করব, নতজানু হব, সারাজীবনের অঙ্গীকারটা সম্মান করব।
কিন্তু কিছু জিনিস আছে যা আমরা যত বেশি করে চাই তত আমাদের থেকে দূরে সরে যায়। জীবনের ওই ভালো থাকার ইচ্ছেগুলো মরীচিকাময়!

আজকের আমার মনের অবস্থাটা বড্ড শোচনীয় আর দুশ্চিন্তায় আচ্ছন্ন। তাই আজ একটা লেখা দিলাম, হয়তো নিজের ভার একটু কমানোর জন্য।

এটা লিখেছিলাম নাগপুর থেকে ফেরার পথে। ব্যাথা চেপে রাখার কষ্ট আর হেরে যাবার ভয় নিয়ে, সমস্ত স্বপ্নের ভূতেদের থেকে পালাবার জন্য। তখন বুঝেছি যে বাঁচার একটাই পথ, চোখ বুজে থাকা।

জানালার বাইরে তখন জলের ঝাপটা, প্লেন ছুটে চলেছে রানওয়ে ধরে, আকাশকে কাছে পেতে।

আর আমি?
– তখন অনেক দূরে, ফেলে আসা সময়ে, আর কখনো না হওয়া ভবিষ্যতের মাঝে আটকে।

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বৃষ্টিটা আবার ভেজায়
দরজার বাইরে মাত্র কয়েক পা,
সিঁড়ি ধরে উঠি, মাথা নিচু করে
ভয় করে, হারিয়ে ফেলব সব
যেমন আগে হারিয়েছে একবার।

সেবার ছিলাম অনেক দূরে
তোমার ওপরে অনেক ভরসা করে
মনে ছিল তুমি পারবে রাখতে
ভালোবাসায় ভরে, কষ্ট ভুলে,
জীবনের অংশ ভেবে।

যখন এলাম ফিরে, শীতের রাতে
তোমার কান্না শুনে ভেঙেছে ঘুম
দেখি, নেই সব,
ভেসে গেছে এক বৃষ্টির জলে
তুমিও গেছ অনেক দূরে, অন্ধকারের পারে!

অনেক ভুল ছিল মাথার উপরে,
সমস্ত ঈর্ষা জ্বালিয়ে, যন্ত্রণা থেকে
ভালবেসেছিলাম নিজের মত করে,
সরিয়ে দেওয়া, এখনও একা,
থাকতে পারিনি তোমায় ছেড়ে।

সূর্য আজও দেখি, রাতের অস্তাচলে
গল্প সত্যি না হবার প্রতিশ্রুতি শুনে
তোমার প্রতিচ্ছবির আকর্ষন রুখে,
শুধু অনেক কিছুই মিলল না এ জীবনে
আমার আক্ষেপ বাঁধি দুচোখ বুজে।

বাতাস ছুঁয়ে, অনেকদিন পরে
এলাম মনের খোঁজ নিতে
কেমন আছে সে একাকী, গভীরে তলিয়ে,
প্লেনের জানালার ধারে বসে
মেঘ দেখে, চোখের বৃষ্টিতে ভিজে।
*************

#80 Heart Speak

“Why are you like this?” they had asked,
“You’ll ruin everything”; I sure did.

Although I keep wishing I’d change
Still cannot cross the river for my sake.

All things are gone,
I burn bridges to stay.

Even then I suffer and scream
As I wish to die laying on the table.

Waiting for the other person,
To let go first and be free.

Tell me, if it isn’t dark,
How will the stars shine?

*************

If anyone does read these ramblings of a mad young man of questionable age and wisdom, I would stop writing anything for some time. I might write, but I will not post. Because lately whatever I have been posting, I think are very poor (except maybe one or two that I liked) and repetitive. Even though I write for myself and for the sake of expressing myself, I still think I need a break. It is time to do some soul searching first.

Why do I write about just one theme? Can I move outside of that? When will my wounds heal?

A lot of difficult questions for a person who has trouble with understanding himself. I could very easily have labelled myself an introvert, but I am not that easy to see through. Maybe I can find some answers if you help me out, one way or another. One day some beautiful photo on Instagram, or a drawing that’s just for me, or someone with the courage to hold my hands will bring me answers. Till then….

#79 Forgive yourself

A moment! A moment please!
Look around you, so many things
Don’t give up please, don’t crumble
I am there, I know how you feel.

Even if you are left broken
You still have your wings,
You will heal, you can fly again.
Don’t give up on yourself.

The cold room, the stranger blanket
Can’t hide the scars you carry
Come out please, don’t shut the door
You have to walk away from the sorrows.

All that pain needs separation
But you need not leave,
Just hold on a while longer
There will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Colour yourself in pride
One step is all it takes to heal
To accept what happened, is not your fault,
A smile, a cup of coffee in your favourite seat,
One familiar TV show and time for yourself.
*************

#78 Holding On

Universe is spread to infinity
Travel beyond the stars
Be in the company of stardusts
Happiness will come where you are.

Time is limited
A flower dies in a day
Think about the time you are living
Count memories and take steps.

Pain will keep you company
Worry is a misuse of imagination
Remove them both in a single step
Lose yourself to your destiny.

There was a time when survival was the hardest,
Now being happy is, just to live.
*************

#77 Dream Girl.

It started with smiles as we walked past
Moved to a wave when we became friends
Then we sat and talked as things progressed
And came to texts, like things meant a lot
Finally on call we poured our hearts.

I know not where we go next,
Because this is a dream come true
You and me, and life seems complete.

Every time that the sun finds me through the windows,
I am still searching,
The gaze, the eyes, they hold me.

When the phone lets out a ring, I rush
If there is a word from you, how can I ignore!
I wait to hear all that you have to say.

Your voice is the one that moves my soul
Makes me weak and crave one meet
To sit and be with you.

You ought to know,
You are the sunshine, keeps my heart going
You are the right one, at the right moment.

I am falling head over heels.
looking for ways to tell,
You are the one, you are what I have been dreaming of.
*************

#76 The road will stay when footsteps will have parted

There was not one but two roads to walk
One yours and the other one mine.
We met at a crossroad somewhere,
But we didn’t know where to go next.

There were four paths now
Which led nowhere sure,
Some places crowded,
Some for the two of us.

Without any words wasted
We just chose our ways.
To walk was the only option
Far away or closer left to be seen.

The road less taken was not for us,
We were humans in need of company
We stayed and footsteps became our guide
We had a long way to go, before we could rest.

The road is something we choose,
We create a way of our own in life.
One that might be far too long
But one that takes us home.

Of walking astray to far away lands
Explore what sights we could see
Without it we couldn’t have lived
It was in our own music that we were lost.

But tired we became, after a long time
Of worrying what would come
Being wary of togetherness;
It was long journey that we had taken.

Still we continued on the road
For it was the way of life we had known,
A painted wall in a way of living
But a wall to stop our growth.

A crossroad can also break
The things that it brought together,
While some separations are sweet
This ended in bitter memories.

There was a change this time,
We took two roads to different directions
We would have to walk alone again
To find our homes that we had left.
*************